from...Tuesday, November 30, 2010 at 11:23am
the last month has been hard. ... probably the hardest in my life. i find that with each day, it somehow seems to hurt just a little bit more. The reality of death can be so bitter.
I am doing alright, i suppose. Funny, I never thought that I would be dealing with this now when things were going so well for my dad. Acceptance is a thing i never have struggled with; but, now I feel very childlike. I suppose just knowing that my dad will never be there when I have a silly question about how to fix something, or why do i have to do this that way, etc... or just knowing that I will never have another opportunity to hear his voice again is pretty hard to swallow. I know that life is never forever. I can rationalize everything to the ninth degree.... but at the end of the day, the bottom line is that it stinks that my dad passed away. and i feel sad. It's not a bad thing and if I wasn't sad, I suppose, I would be worried.
Beyond my own grief is the constant worry about my mom. I am usually very good at cheering people up, helping them cope, being a support system. And while I think that I have been all these things for her.. she is so broken about this. I fear that her sadness will take her away from this world too. I don't know if I could manage that... not now. i try not to think that way but it pops into my mind. And I know one day that will be the reality. But focusing on it really doesn't do me any good. I am grateful for my sisters and their help. They have been with my mom, helping round the house, there for company, etc.. and it's even harder on them because they see what she is going through first hand while dealing with their own sorrow. I believe that both of them are up for sainthood if there is a poll. :) seriously.
I dont think that there is a magical time limit on how long one should be sad for. I suppose that it will get easier and lighter over time.. Holidays are one of my most favorite times of of the year and I am feeling pretty heavy about them. I am usually Fa-La-la-la-lahing my way through the world right about now, but my Fa-la-la-la is a bit broken. I am so darn thankful for all those acting classes so I can smile with my upper teeth and get through singing Christmas songs in lessons. I put up a little tree in the Caboose to try to get in the spirit.. and my dad would think it was pretty cool.. but every now and again i find myself with a quiver in my lip and my eyes welling up waiting for me to let free.. and the thoughts of Christmas morning without him crushes my breath.. and darn it if these thoughts do not pop up at the damnedest times...like walking to the bus.. cleaning the house.. and i get pretty good at keeping it together.. but other times.. i just cry and just let myself go..
I read that dealing with death is just another adventure in getting older.. then why do i feel so young and so uncertain of how to act, be, think, feel, hope... reading books on grief isn't really helping me. They depress me a little more, actually. I dont think that there is a magic pill or formula that I must follow to grieve. i think what I am going through is pretty normal and i just have to learn this very hard lesson of letting go.
I am very lucky to have such good friends that have helped me with many endeavors this year. It amazes me how many people care about my little projects and my heart. I am humbled, grateful, and honored to have that.
As this day ends, only one more month to go for 2010. I look forward to this year ending.. it was a tough one. While lots of positive stuff happened (opened the Caboose!, new CD, successful summer camps, tour to Chicago, excellent visits with family and friends), I lost so many precious things... my dad, two friends from my childhood, and in a lessor spectrum of value, my favorite brooch and pashmina, both gifts from my dear sister in music. I have learned very hard business lessons, relationship lessons, and personal lessons about being generous to a fault. I truly believe that every experience changes you.. shifting sands, tide and time, sun and storms... and as this year draws to an end, i have more than few scars from the gale in 2010.
I look forward to 2011 and its new adventures. More music, more friends, more experiences! Come hell or high water I will have that new CD finished that I have been talking about. We will go on tour. and the Caboose will be rocking with more music then Country Village has ever heard! I am sure my happy Fae-self will get back to her regular scheduled program of cheer and sunshine...and hope that i can be half as good of a friend as mine have been to me...
"Tough times never last... but tough people do."
This I will not forget.
now.. to the future....