"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."
~Anaïs Nin
perceptions are a funny thing.
when I was 19, near the Board of Trade and the Starbucks on Clark St. in Chicago, I was hit by a taxicab while crossing the street. I had just finished my shift,I had the light, and crossed the street. The taxi, as most taxicabs in Chicago, was making some interesting maneuvers as it came down the street. I noticed about halfway in the crosswalk that the taxi wasn't stopping. My highly caffeinated 19 year old body ran and arched my body forward in hopes of missing the oncoming vehicle. Thankfully, I wasn't killed or hurt. All that was hit was my book bag. The taxi never stopped.
when I got to the curb, 4 people came running up, including a police officer. The older woman said, "Oh my, he hit your leg and back! Call an ambulance! you should sue!" The drunk guy holding a sign said that I ran in front of the car on purpose. The business man said that the taxi sped up and that I never was touched then continued to bantered with lady that too many people sue over anything. And the police officer said, after he wrote down the license plate, "you were walking with the crosswalk light, the cab was in the wrong" and that I was lucky.
from my point of view, what I felt and lived, yes, I was walking with the crosswalk light. yes, I did run away when I saw the car speeding up. And yes, he didn't physically hit my body parts, but did hit my book bag which later I found that the impact had 2 cracked cassette tapes; not to mention the crazy guy never stopped!
I suppose what I am getting at is that we can be involved in something and people can see things from many points of view. Depending on how we are feeling, where we come from, how we are wired, what our day has been like, etc.; we may not see or experience the same thing as the next person.
this memory came flooding back this morning as i am dealing with a situation that has been weighing on my heart. personal relationships can have very different perceptions and expectations. What one thinks is perfectly acceptable may be completely ludicrous to the other. A heated conversation can start in one world and end up in two different worlds with 2 very different views of how things went down.
due to all the variables, is the result of this perception equation is truly solvable?
No clue. If we are fortunate to have a footing on the same thought wave, or compassion to see the flip of the coin, perhaps.
I think it's important to keep crossing that street. And, while the taxicab is speeding up, act with your gut, trust your heart, and do the very best you can. Hopefully, at the curb, there will be a common ground to exist in.
"What we see depends mainly on what we look for."
~John Lubbock
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Friday, November 18, 2011
. the Sailor .
Oh, the North winds are blowing
and I can't see beyond the fog.
It's been 10 weeks since I've held my son
and my one true love.
The black waters keep rolling
In the distance a lonely horn
and the gael starts screaming
as we sail the eye of the storm.
But in the dead of night, with no land in sight
you feel a silence, a silence deep in your bones.
and the sirens sings and your eyes see things
makes you wonder, will I ever get home?
And the waves pour around us
try and keep a level head
with no sleep and a face full of drink
you think you're better off dead
My father worked on a trawler
and his father too
he said "do what you can, stay on land."
but these veins salt water runs through
And in the dead of night, with no land in sight
you feel a silence, a silence deep in your bones.
though the sirens sings and your eyes see things
you wonder, will I ever get home?
And the haul's on for hours.
My fingers are frozen stone
and my fears play cruel games.
I see lost sailors in the foam.
There's a red sky tonight
and no more lines to set.
Home we will go with riches in tow
but my heart will not soon forget.
In the dead of night, with no land in sight
you feel a silence, a silence deep in your bones.
and the sirens sings and your eyes see things
makes you wonder, will I ever get home?
will I ever get home....
11.03.11
S. Fae Wiedenhoeft
Sunday, October 16, 2011
. on the verge.
i feel a storm brewing
a change is coming soon
the north winds start a blowin'
and the seas grow dark and loom
i do not know what is to come
if illusions will blind my spark
if my true love will stay with me
or if folly will break my heart
there is a change a comin
a laughter is on the wind
the serpent, it is coiling
and a new path begins
the trees are shedding secrets
a wisdom swirls around
my soul is drenched and pining
and light is scarcely found
and yet i am returning
to the birthplace of my soul
to the shores of Eire's dreams
To the shores of Eire's lore
and in my palm is a glowing orb
of hope and love, no fear
to feel the arms ancestral stars
to hold the darkness near
to know the dark is to know the light
without it we lost
beloved sun and crimson moon
caught in the heat and frost
the mossy stones, the oak and ash
a dance to the mummer's song
for in the spring a reckoning
on the verge of lost and found
fae 16oct11
Saturday, May 28, 2011
when the surrender button is stuck
I've been performing in front of live audiences since the age of 12. I've played for family, friends, school functions, choral programs, big stage shows, cafes, pubs, festivals, and international audiences of over 2000. And while I have banked all these stage hours, I still get nervous to get on stage.
This past week was a buzz with the CD finalization, promotion correspondence and meetings, new student preparation, lesson planning for summer programs, etc. I had very little sleep and downtime.
The week started with my student's voice recital on Sunday. What a remarkable experience it was to witness the growth of my young singers/performers. Many of my students were performing for the first time ever. There were little nervous eyes staring back at me during our warm-up/pep talk before the recital. I remember quoting my past teachers and the wise words they spoke to me before going on stage…
My choral teacher, Mrs. Robbins, said, "Bend your knees.. Breathe!. You do not want to faint."
Chuck Soumar, vocal coach for Morton High School productions and from the band The Ides Of March, told me before the opening night of Fiorello, "Sing like you will never have another opportunity to sing again in your lifetime."
Kind and honest words from Tom Rusnak, my theatre teacher, rang out, "Trust yourself. It's all there."
My students rocked the recital! I am so proud of their journey! It was amazing to see them wrangle their nerves, find their breath, and sing out!
Last night at the Northwest FolkLife Festival, I had such a case of nerves.
I was knock kneed, short of breath, and my mind was a flutter. One of my reset buttons when my nerves get jumbled is to mutter internally 'surrender'.
First song... "Surrender"... still short of breath.. can't hear my guitar, ... insert about 4,000 other worries and silly concerns....
Second song... "Surrender"... still jumbly.. still knock kneed... was kicking myself for eating those Might O doughnuts an hour before the show.. Perhaps I was all jazzed up on sugar! Oye!
Third song.. "Surrender".... a bit better. The tune was an old standby for us. It was pretty solid.
Fourth song... the new song... the one I was most tangled about. My hands were shaking; my heart was snuggling up with my tonsils. Deep breath "Surrender.. Surrender.. Surrender..". I ebbed and flowed. The song is deeply personal and that alone is sometimes an uphill endurance adventure. To allow yourself to become vulnerable in front of 50+ strangers is a tough one. By end I think I was surfacing back in the land of the normal.
After the show, many friends and fans greeted us with "well Done" and "great job". We made some great contacts, sold CDs. I am very proud of the band and their performance. They rocked it. I am also my worst critic and felt that I cheated them in some way for being out of the performance for so long. It was my dear friend, Dan Niven, who I believe is truly an angel, that told me, in essence, to relax and to assume the theatrical light. He was so right! I suppose sometimes smiling with your upper teeth while your heart is on Mister Toady's wild ride can be complicated. :D
Full circle
There are days when the freckle-faced, 15 year old, "Sandy" who is getting ready for opening night of Guys and Dolls peeks through my thirty something eyes. She makes me remember that getting lost in my head isn't going to get me through the show; it keeps me from the magic. It is humbling to have these kinds of experiences. Keeps my ego in check, keeps me in the moment, and reminds me to surrender and let it happen.
"Trust... it's all there!"
Thanks TR.
This past week was a buzz with the CD finalization, promotion correspondence and meetings, new student preparation, lesson planning for summer programs, etc. I had very little sleep and downtime.
The week started with my student's voice recital on Sunday. What a remarkable experience it was to witness the growth of my young singers/performers. Many of my students were performing for the first time ever. There were little nervous eyes staring back at me during our warm-up/pep talk before the recital. I remember quoting my past teachers and the wise words they spoke to me before going on stage…
My choral teacher, Mrs. Robbins, said, "Bend your knees.. Breathe!. You do not want to faint."
Chuck Soumar, vocal coach for Morton High School productions and from the band The Ides Of March, told me before the opening night of Fiorello, "Sing like you will never have another opportunity to sing again in your lifetime."
Kind and honest words from Tom Rusnak, my theatre teacher, rang out, "Trust yourself. It's all there."
My students rocked the recital! I am so proud of their journey! It was amazing to see them wrangle their nerves, find their breath, and sing out!
Last night at the Northwest FolkLife Festival, I had such a case of nerves.
I was knock kneed, short of breath, and my mind was a flutter. One of my reset buttons when my nerves get jumbled is to mutter internally 'surrender'.
First song... "Surrender"... still short of breath.. can't hear my guitar, ... insert about 4,000 other worries and silly concerns....
Second song... "Surrender"... still jumbly.. still knock kneed... was kicking myself for eating those Might O doughnuts an hour before the show.. Perhaps I was all jazzed up on sugar! Oye!
Third song.. "Surrender".... a bit better. The tune was an old standby for us. It was pretty solid.
Fourth song... the new song... the one I was most tangled about. My hands were shaking; my heart was snuggling up with my tonsils. Deep breath "Surrender.. Surrender.. Surrender..". I ebbed and flowed. The song is deeply personal and that alone is sometimes an uphill endurance adventure. To allow yourself to become vulnerable in front of 50+ strangers is a tough one. By end I think I was surfacing back in the land of the normal.
After the show, many friends and fans greeted us with "well Done" and "great job". We made some great contacts, sold CDs. I am very proud of the band and their performance. They rocked it. I am also my worst critic and felt that I cheated them in some way for being out of the performance for so long. It was my dear friend, Dan Niven, who I believe is truly an angel, that told me, in essence, to relax and to assume the theatrical light. He was so right! I suppose sometimes smiling with your upper teeth while your heart is on Mister Toady's wild ride can be complicated. :D
Full circle
There are days when the freckle-faced, 15 year old, "Sandy" who is getting ready for opening night of Guys and Dolls peeks through my thirty something eyes. She makes me remember that getting lost in my head isn't going to get me through the show; it keeps me from the magic. It is humbling to have these kinds of experiences. Keeps my ego in check, keeps me in the moment, and reminds me to surrender and let it happen.
"Trust... it's all there!"
Thanks TR.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
. Gold .
A new tune written on the may full moon...
.gold.
I need a question without an answer
i need a vast sky to get swallowed in
I need a story with a happy ending
And a new one waiting to begin.
I need a sunset I can hold in my teacup.
I need a horse to take me to the edge of the world.
I need the wonder I held as a child
And a whiskey with my dearest pals
These days roll on like thunder
These years skip by too fast
One day we're running free as naked as a breeze
And the next one could be our last
But i know...
This life is gold.
I need no books on mediation.
I need no fortuneteller to tell me my path
I need a beach, my guitar, and glowing fire
And some friends to share a laugh
I need a day without phone calls and computers
I need a street with no traffic to fight
I need a smile from a perfect stranger
And a clear and star-filled night
These days roll on like thunder
These years skip by too fast
One day we're running free as naked as a breeze
And the next one could be our last
But i know...
This life is gold.
may 9, 2011 s.fae wiedenhoeft
.gold.
I need a question without an answer
i need a vast sky to get swallowed in
I need a story with a happy ending
And a new one waiting to begin.
I need a sunset I can hold in my teacup.
I need a horse to take me to the edge of the world.
I need the wonder I held as a child
And a whiskey with my dearest pals
These days roll on like thunder
These years skip by too fast
One day we're running free as naked as a breeze
And the next one could be our last
But i know...
This life is gold.
I need no books on mediation.
I need no fortuneteller to tell me my path
I need a beach, my guitar, and glowing fire
And some friends to share a laugh
I need a day without phone calls and computers
I need a street with no traffic to fight
I need a smile from a perfect stranger
And a clear and star-filled night
These days roll on like thunder
These years skip by too fast
One day we're running free as naked as a breeze
And the next one could be our last
But i know...
This life is gold.
may 9, 2011 s.fae wiedenhoeft
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
Like a lion in the sky...
photos by fae.. tulsa zoo 2007"The March wind roars
Like a lion in the sky,
And makes us shiver
As he passes by.
When winds are soft,
And the days are warm and clear,
Just like a gentle lamb,
Then spring is here."
- Author Unknown
I have a roar.. I am bent up, cooped in, needing nature, ocean, old friends, big sweaters, and a seaside fire. The winter has officially got to me.
As my body is still feeling the effects of this never ending cold, I finally have put to rest my frustration with myself for not completing this year's RPM challenge. This is a challenge that I have participated in during the last 4 years. One has to write a complete album of music in the month of February to complete it. While I was able to create some tunes, nothing seemed to flow. My muse felt chained to a rock. I felt like nothing was fresh.. I was spinning my wheels. This was very hard for me. But quite a lesson for me to just let go....
The month also held for me a great sadness as I am still dealing with the passing of my father. His birthday was February 12 and we happened to have a gig that night. The phenomenal people within my band SeaStar helped arrange a great version of "El Paso" by Marty Robbins. This was one of my Dad's favorite tunes. Falcone sang it so well and Geli played the opening riff with precision! The folks loved it and we had everyone toast to my Dad. I truly believe I felt his presence there with us that night!
About a week before that night, there was a change in our band lineup. Doug decided to leave and that set me for a loop. While bands are never an easy thing to manage, they are a lesson in relationships. We wish him well and are grateful for his contributions to the music.
The upswings of the month were traveling to Index, WA and meeting Pat Sample of Paradise Sound. We will start recording our new CD with Pat in April! It is very exciting! Our pledge drive on Kickstarter has been slow and but steady. We are currently raising money to fund the new CD. You can help by visiting our Kickstarter page. We hope that folks will look at it as a pre-sale to the new CD. We promise you will not be disappointed! We have 30 days to make it to $4500. If we do not make our goal, we do not get the money and you will not be charged. But my fingers, toes, and armpits are crossed that we will make it to our goal and perhaps beyond!!
The band has also had some fun gigs this month! We had a lovely night in Arlington, WA playing the Mirkwood Cafe. Wonderful folks there! I truly love making music with Captain, Geli, & Falcone... Not only are they lovely friends, they make my heart feel free. Big kudos to them.
So.. on to March.. new month, new page.. always feels like a fresh start.
We are playing 3 gigs this montb! Should be great fun. I also updated a new website for the band Trying to keep things neat and tidy.
My fingers are also crossed that I can get away with Captain a weekend this month. I need that seaside fire, the woods, the sound of the water to set me back to me. Funny how life can knock one off balance! Thankfully, I like to get back up.. even if I have to crawl and eat a little dirt. quite the lesson. we are always so hard on ourselves. once we let go.. our shoulders do not feel so heavy and the light can touch our foreheads. true wisdom happens when we just stop thinking.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
even the great big sky.. it sheds a tear
from...Tuesday, November 30, 2010 at 11:23am
the last month has been hard. ... probably the hardest in my life. i find that with each day, it somehow seems to hurt just a little bit more. The reality of death can be so bitter.
I am doing alright, i suppose. Funny, I never thought that I would be dealing with this now when things were going so well for my dad. Acceptance is a thing i never have struggled with; but, now I feel very childlike. I suppose just knowing that my dad will never be there when I have a silly question about how to fix something, or why do i have to do this that way, etc... or just knowing that I will never have another opportunity to hear his voice again is pretty hard to swallow. I know that life is never forever. I can rationalize everything to the ninth degree.... but at the end of the day, the bottom line is that it stinks that my dad passed away. and i feel sad. It's not a bad thing and if I wasn't sad, I suppose, I would be worried.
Beyond my own grief is the constant worry about my mom. I am usually very good at cheering people up, helping them cope, being a support system. And while I think that I have been all these things for her.. she is so broken about this. I fear that her sadness will take her away from this world too. I don't know if I could manage that... not now. i try not to think that way but it pops into my mind. And I know one day that will be the reality. But focusing on it really doesn't do me any good. I am grateful for my sisters and their help. They have been with my mom, helping round the house, there for company, etc.. and it's even harder on them because they see what she is going through first hand while dealing with their own sorrow. I believe that both of them are up for sainthood if there is a poll. :) seriously.
I dont think that there is a magical time limit on how long one should be sad for. I suppose that it will get easier and lighter over time.. Holidays are one of my most favorite times of of the year and I am feeling pretty heavy about them. I am usually Fa-La-la-la-lahing my way through the world right about now, but my Fa-la-la-la is a bit broken. I am so darn thankful for all those acting classes so I can smile with my upper teeth and get through singing Christmas songs in lessons. I put up a little tree in the Caboose to try to get in the spirit.. and my dad would think it was pretty cool.. but every now and again i find myself with a quiver in my lip and my eyes welling up waiting for me to let free.. and the thoughts of Christmas morning without him crushes my breath.. and darn it if these thoughts do not pop up at the damnedest times...like walking to the bus.. cleaning the house.. and i get pretty good at keeping it together.. but other times.. i just cry and just let myself go..
I read that dealing with death is just another adventure in getting older.. then why do i feel so young and so uncertain of how to act, be, think, feel, hope... reading books on grief isn't really helping me. They depress me a little more, actually. I dont think that there is a magic pill or formula that I must follow to grieve. i think what I am going through is pretty normal and i just have to learn this very hard lesson of letting go.
I am very lucky to have such good friends that have helped me with many endeavors this year. It amazes me how many people care about my little projects and my heart. I am humbled, grateful, and honored to have that.
As this day ends, only one more month to go for 2010. I look forward to this year ending.. it was a tough one. While lots of positive stuff happened (opened the Caboose!, new CD, successful summer camps, tour to Chicago, excellent visits with family and friends), I lost so many precious things... my dad, two friends from my childhood, and in a lessor spectrum of value, my favorite brooch and pashmina, both gifts from my dear sister in music. I have learned very hard business lessons, relationship lessons, and personal lessons about being generous to a fault. I truly believe that every experience changes you.. shifting sands, tide and time, sun and storms... and as this year draws to an end, i have more than few scars from the gale in 2010.
I look forward to 2011 and its new adventures. More music, more friends, more experiences! Come hell or high water I will have that new CD finished that I have been talking about. We will go on tour. and the Caboose will be rocking with more music then Country Village has ever heard! I am sure my happy Fae-self will get back to her regular scheduled program of cheer and sunshine...and hope that i can be half as good of a friend as mine have been to me...
"Tough times never last... but tough people do."
This I will not forget.
now.. to the future....
the last month has been hard. ... probably the hardest in my life. i find that with each day, it somehow seems to hurt just a little bit more. The reality of death can be so bitter.
I am doing alright, i suppose. Funny, I never thought that I would be dealing with this now when things were going so well for my dad. Acceptance is a thing i never have struggled with; but, now I feel very childlike. I suppose just knowing that my dad will never be there when I have a silly question about how to fix something, or why do i have to do this that way, etc... or just knowing that I will never have another opportunity to hear his voice again is pretty hard to swallow. I know that life is never forever. I can rationalize everything to the ninth degree.... but at the end of the day, the bottom line is that it stinks that my dad passed away. and i feel sad. It's not a bad thing and if I wasn't sad, I suppose, I would be worried.
Beyond my own grief is the constant worry about my mom. I am usually very good at cheering people up, helping them cope, being a support system. And while I think that I have been all these things for her.. she is so broken about this. I fear that her sadness will take her away from this world too. I don't know if I could manage that... not now. i try not to think that way but it pops into my mind. And I know one day that will be the reality. But focusing on it really doesn't do me any good. I am grateful for my sisters and their help. They have been with my mom, helping round the house, there for company, etc.. and it's even harder on them because they see what she is going through first hand while dealing with their own sorrow. I believe that both of them are up for sainthood if there is a poll. :) seriously.
I dont think that there is a magical time limit on how long one should be sad for. I suppose that it will get easier and lighter over time.. Holidays are one of my most favorite times of of the year and I am feeling pretty heavy about them. I am usually Fa-La-la-la-lahing my way through the world right about now, but my Fa-la-la-la is a bit broken. I am so darn thankful for all those acting classes so I can smile with my upper teeth and get through singing Christmas songs in lessons. I put up a little tree in the Caboose to try to get in the spirit.. and my dad would think it was pretty cool.. but every now and again i find myself with a quiver in my lip and my eyes welling up waiting for me to let free.. and the thoughts of Christmas morning without him crushes my breath.. and darn it if these thoughts do not pop up at the damnedest times...like walking to the bus.. cleaning the house.. and i get pretty good at keeping it together.. but other times.. i just cry and just let myself go..
I read that dealing with death is just another adventure in getting older.. then why do i feel so young and so uncertain of how to act, be, think, feel, hope... reading books on grief isn't really helping me. They depress me a little more, actually. I dont think that there is a magic pill or formula that I must follow to grieve. i think what I am going through is pretty normal and i just have to learn this very hard lesson of letting go.
I am very lucky to have such good friends that have helped me with many endeavors this year. It amazes me how many people care about my little projects and my heart. I am humbled, grateful, and honored to have that.
As this day ends, only one more month to go for 2010. I look forward to this year ending.. it was a tough one. While lots of positive stuff happened (opened the Caboose!, new CD, successful summer camps, tour to Chicago, excellent visits with family and friends), I lost so many precious things... my dad, two friends from my childhood, and in a lessor spectrum of value, my favorite brooch and pashmina, both gifts from my dear sister in music. I have learned very hard business lessons, relationship lessons, and personal lessons about being generous to a fault. I truly believe that every experience changes you.. shifting sands, tide and time, sun and storms... and as this year draws to an end, i have more than few scars from the gale in 2010.
I look forward to 2011 and its new adventures. More music, more friends, more experiences! Come hell or high water I will have that new CD finished that I have been talking about. We will go on tour. and the Caboose will be rocking with more music then Country Village has ever heard! I am sure my happy Fae-self will get back to her regular scheduled program of cheer and sunshine...and hope that i can be half as good of a friend as mine have been to me...
"Tough times never last... but tough people do."
This I will not forget.
now.. to the future....
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