Thursday, February 02, 2006

. the sigh .

listening to : philip glass
sipping: chai with vanilla silk

the randomness of things.

i was in the middle of writing my thoughts when the power just went out.
everything stopped and the light came back on. the monitor light blinked. and blinked again.
and my post was, of course, lost.

perhaps the universe was teaching me a lesson.
. . . a wrinkle of time . . . washed in and out with the wave of the stars . .
time is in motion/moving/constant. . .

begin once more.

the sunset was incredible tonight. the cyan and cerulean were dancing in skirts of clouds. the wisps of imagination spied humpback whales sailing into the deepest of blues. the sky was a symphony of deep ocean tones with the hints of sparkling gold. as if the world turned upside down, it was reflecting the ocean sunsets in the sky. it made me pine for home. the drop of the chest, the softness of eyes. . . it's like falling in love. . and not knowing why.

i've been milling over the idea of nature deficit disorder. my mood has been exceptionally melancholy over the last few months. i haven't had the time nor the desire to be in oklahoma 'forests'. horribly brown, void of colour, the countryside leaves more to be desired.
it hasnt rained in over 40 days where in victoria it hasn't stopped raining in 40 days. my skin is so dry and my heart is most cracked. there are days when i stare into my pictures and visualise myself walking over the moss covered stones, inhaling the perfumed forest air. i can almost hear stellar jays and the cry of the redtail hawk.

document. 'document everything!' i would say. i needed to capture those perfect, beautiful moments in time so that my mind would not forget the feeling of being caught in the web of purity. perhaps i always knew that my time there would be short, or that i knew secretly that i would need these moments in time to keep me alive when the rains would leave.
how my life here is so different! i used to be outside almost everyday in victoria. i would walk to do errands, to find solace, to seek adventure down streets lined with trees (arbutus, cedar, douglas firs, hawthorne, oak and ash and sooo many others). the cherry blossoms in spring ignited my heart like a love affair. as if neruda's words were being whispered cheek to cheek as two lovers whirl in the flowery snowplay. . true bliss.

i miss walking down cook street to dallas road. sipping on saskatoon berry cider from moka house, dodging cyclists and rogue frisbee chasing puppies, i would skip down the vine covered path to the public beach access. oh, the wind rush over the ears! down the stairs, over the driftwood to my favourite place to finally mush my toes into the sunkissed stones at the waterside. oh... they were soooo warm! i would sit and listen to seagull secrets, dream of great love stories (i swear that there were love letters tied to the strings of kites), lament over the relationship that i had (i'd wish that he would surprise me at the waterside just to tell me he loved me but he never did), and to know that all this would oneday pass just as the tide washed in and out. being here in this place always put my mind at ease, even on the saddess of days.

someday he'll come along, the man i love. well, my daydream of that knight in shining armor that we are told about as children did finally come along. i never expected that i would find him in tulsa, oklahoma! the oddity of life!!
there is never a time when i doubt that he loves me. there is never a time when he doesn't give me that.. 'you can do it, fae' or 'i believe in you'. he paints me waterfalls in an endless sky and gives me moments where i can forget about work and life and rent and bills and i can be the girl with braids who likes to do cartwheels and make funny faces. i see the world through the eyes of a child and he never puts me down for that.
rant . . i honestly don't understand why there is soo much negativity and hatred in this country. it makes me mad that bush isn't making any humansense. history keeps repeating itself and this country never learns to just leave somethings alone. simplicity seems to be tossed out the window and bloodmoney and excess is the american way. i am so sensitive to it. i cant help it. i do not watch the news or read the papers anymore since i cannot handle the constant state of the regurgitated union. . end of rant.
back to the man i love... he tells me that i have a big heart, that i am beautiful and loved, and that we will make the world better even if it is baking poppyseed muffins and giving them to a complete stranger. we are not complacent. just poppyseed pirates on the rough american strait to canada. there is a folksong in that somewhere.. hmmm..
i always wanted someone to love me just for me being me and have it be enough... i can not verbalise how incredible that concept feels when it is a reality.

growing older . .while searching for some photographs to place in this entry, i noticed how young i look in these pictures. i feel that i have aged here so much. the dry weather, the homesickness, the constant stress from my job, i now look the age i am.
more reasons to move back to the west coast!!

i am lusting for more. i am thirsty and i want a new life with my husband. i am looking into going to school for holistic nutruition and naturopathy. eco-psychology has me interested as well. its that whole nature deficit disorder thing.. all in all, i need a new path where i feel that i am making a difference and that i am living the life i was meant to live. this path here was to find adam. now that we are together.. it's off to make movies and heal the world, one soul at a time.... or something like that.

sleep beckons..
i'll leave you with this last thought from a great mind...

"the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..."
- kerouac, "on the road"

1 comment:

novachild said...

I'm literally in awe of how well you express yourself. And also about how you've managed to use my absolute favorite quote of all time.

"the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..."